I really dont post here often, so that implies that I am frustrated. These last few days, with senior year and high school coming to an end, I realize why my I lost my optimistic views and became more realist or cynical. The key is one word..

Sorry.

It takes all of half a second to say, but it carries such great weight. Some may argue that its meaningless because action speaks louder than words. While this is a valid point, a lot of people dont even bother to say sorry in the first place, so how are they supposed to take any action? I don’t mean to seem selfish or bitchy right now, but throughout the last four years, I must’ve used the word at least a thousand times. But the one thing that frustrates me is that I have never heard it said to me.

People have started realizing that I am someone that they can use and do whatever they want, and they know I won’t do a thing to bother them or stop them. I used to feel happy about letting these types of things happen because I knew that’s freinds do for each other. But recently I’ve realized that people are willing to go to any length to make sure they are right and that things are best for them, even if it’s at my expense. Even my mom has basically never apologized to me for some of the stupid things she gets mad about. Like for example, she threw a tantrum and screamed at me for not letting her put oil in my hair, and I SAID SORRY, and that I would let her do it next time instead of letting my grandma do it. Then she told me sorry is meaningless, and screamed at me more, then left. The next day she talks to me as normal as if nothing happened…

I understand that people are stressed and forget sometimes, because even I do so often. I am sorry to anyone I have hurt for whatever reason, and if I could I’d make it up to each and every single person I’ve hurt. I know it seems generic, but at least I said it, and if you know me, you know I mean it. However, I’ve realized that a lot of my “good freinds” have one sided relationships with me. I guess what I’m trying to say is that, even now, people that I have shown nothing but support to, despite how they treat me, only give a fuck about me if they need me at that moment. But pretty much I’m done with that. One of my major goals for my time at Mich is to not let everyone step on me and to make sure that i dont waste my time trying to support everyone, because in the end, they’ll just step all over me and not give a shit.  

And I hate what it’s caused me to become. If I’m mad at someone, I’ll start ignoring em, and after a while I’ll realize that I dont even know why I’m mad, or that it’s no use being mad and ignoring people. But just the sheer fact that I’ve constantly had people step all over me and think that they can use me makes me feel like ignoring people that I’m mad will help. Long story short, I dont wanna have to be the one to apologize AGAIN.  

So here I am at the end of the post, where I contemplate whether or not I really need to post this, because just typing this out has helped me realize what I need to do. But im sure a lot of people can relate to this, but dont know how to express it. Here’s my attempt.

Today I was at powderpuff and it was another super fun filled day! We got a good amount of work done, and I’m pretty psyched for Wednesday.

However, some things didnt change. For the first half or even three quarters of practice, pretty much no one would listen to each other when they talked, and it seemed like half the time, I was talking to people who simply didnt give a shit.

So rather than trying to force the issue myself and take initiative, I decided to sit back and observe what was going on around me. Man am I glad I choose to do that.

For one thing, by shutting my mouth, I was able to better listen to everyone around me and I was able to fix mistakes that I would have never heard before. I was also able to commit more on some of the things we were doing.

Another big thing that came out of shutting up was simply observing how other people act and how things run. There were times where when I usually saw a mistake and tried to correct it (no one would hear me), I didnt do that. I wanted to see what they would do to correct it. I am not saying that I know everything because i DEFINITELY am far from that point, I just wanted to see how much people around me would notice what was going on, and who was actually willing to come talk to me when I was sitting down alone.

I find this to be really effective. I’m not saying im going to be a loner, but I may try just shutting up and observing what goes on around me more often. Then i’ll know when to come in, and I’ll know who actually gives a shit about me and who I should give a shit about.

I could also learn to talk less a lot of the times where its unnecessary.

Today was definitely one of the better days for our class! Justin (my twin brother) pretty much summed it up with his fb status about our class and how we WILL win hc :)

However, one part that still stands out about today was a realization that maybe a lack of confidence isnt the only thing that didnt feel right..

I was sitting at a familiar table with familiar faces, or were they familiar? Sometimes I feel like as much as I try to open up to someone or fit into a group, the feeling doesnt reciprocate. It makes me wonder: 

is that person a freind only when they need me, or always?

Frankly I cant even tell anymore. Ive been trying with some people for a WHILE to try to get to know them and be around them, but it always seems like im the one who has to initiate that sort of thing. It’s true that I sometimes do not take initiative, but when I do, I get false commitments like “yeah we need to hang for sure!” This happened too much last year with certain people from one class in particular…

My freinds (oh wait are they my freinds?) like to think of this as a tfim (thanks for inviting me) moment. I would love to take initiative for sure if it wasnt always one sided. What’s worse is that I feel like someone that never responds to me suddenly talks to me if they need something. I feel happy that they have approached me first, but I realize later that it was all false hope. I generally never end up hanging out with them or talking to them until they need something from me.

I may sound like a drama queen to a lot of people reading this, and I understand that many people face this situation in a lot worse circumstances than I am in. To those of you who are in those circumstances I deeply apologize for complaning about something like this. If there is any way I can help just let me know and I will do my best to help. No one should have to feel left out at all.

I was at powderpuff yesterday, and it was fun for sure. Honestly, though, I felt embarrased not to be able to do a darn flip. It made me feel so uncapable both physically and mentally. Everyone else was in formation and ready to go and I was at the side pestering poor Justin and Jenny because I couldnt do a flip. I felt so bad that I wasn’t able to live up to expectations. In the end, I ended up flipping Justin, and ending his and Jenny’s misery.

Maybe confidence is the issue here. Frankly I dont feel to great about my fitness and overall shape. Not to say that I am not in shape, just looking around I feel like I am the least fit person in the crowd. People ask me why I wear sweatshrits so often, and I respond that “I dont feel warm.”

Yeah bullshit.

I am scared to not wear a sweatshirt because I know that I have a little fat in my tummy and chest area. Granted I made a HUGE improvement from 6th grade until now (those of you who saw me in 6th grade know what I am talking about) and I still run good long distance somehow, I still feel jealous looking around at other people wearing t shirts and looking so slim. I might sound really dumb right now, but I think people think I am skinny because I have never taken off any of my sweatshirts. Now you know why I never swim at pool parties.

I have tried so hard to workout harder and to control my diet, but it hasn’t worked out too well recently. My mom says its because its harder for me to lose fat for some reason, but I dont believe that (as much as I would LOVE to believe it).

Because of this fat, I have always been overly self concious, and I have often restricted myself. I walk around all the time at school worried about how I look or appear to others, when really, all I am doing is limiting myself from opening up to others. I guess all I need is a little extra support, and more confidence in myself. I know this all sounds cliche, but I guess I gotta deal with cliches for a while if I am going to solve this problem.

Well at least I think it is the first anyhow.

Hey, Im Saurabh Deo and this will pretty much be my place to unload after a tiring or fun day so bear with me haha

I LOVE RNB music, and for those of you who know me well enough you know what my favorite song in the world is ;)

I follow ALL sports (except golf) and I love cricket. Cricket is the one thing I can go to to get away from work and stress.

I think thats pretty much it for now, but I’m hoping there’ll be a lot more to come.